The Life And Times

Hidden Meanings Behind ‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot!’

‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’ was released in 1992 to almost deafening critical acclaim, since that time it has topped critics polls, made almost 2 million in dvd revenue and inspired a new generation of film makers to make their own ‘buddy cop with a twist’ epics. But its the underlying themes and hidden meanings which have kept message boards and fanatics buzzing since its release.If we look beyond this simple tale of a mom helping her policeman son solve crimes then these alarming facts emerge!

1.Sylvester Stallone’s character is called ‘Joe Bomowski’ the first letter of the name Joe is J, the first letter of the name Jesus is also J!!! Is Joe then really Jesus? Also if you take his mom’s name ‘Tutti’ and replace all the letters with different ones it spells ‘Virgin Mary’!!

2. At one point Joe and his mom arrest a man who may or may not be a postman, the man who ran of with my wife was a postman, Is this film telling us that all postmen are evil? Is the message of this film that we must all pass judgement on postmen called Colin?

3.Why was the original title ‘Stop or my Mom will shoot all postmen’ changed? Were the filmmakers forced to change it because the US government don’t want us to hate postmen? Why are the US government forcing honest filmmakers who are only trying to show us the truth trying to protect postmen? Is it because like my ex-wife they think they are ‘decent hardworking men who can put food on the table and don’t spend their days sitting around watching Sylvester Stallone films’?

Clearly the message of this film needs to be spread. Estelle Getty sadly passed away in 2008, but was it really old age or did a scum sucking postman named Colin run her over in his postman car?

The Truth Must Be Told

Spiders Are Perverts

Scientists are unable to fully explain why certain members of the population have a phobia of spiders, some believe it is an ancestral overhang, that perhaps those which fear spiders are descendants of people from countries in which spiders could indeed kill rather than just look mildly creepy. But lets look at this from another perspective, If a person who feared spiders was to walk into their bathroom and find a massive Panda in the bath their first thought might be something like ..

‘Good lord! there is a massive Panda in the Bath, how in Fuck’s name did that happen?’

and also possibly..

‘Massive Pandas are cute, perhaps I should feed it a carrot’

it would probably not be ..

‘AHHH, Its a massive Panda, I hate Pandas, Im washing that cute looking cunt down the plughole’

This is why spiders and Pandas are different. If we were to plot a graph with Spiders as point A and Pandas as point B, spiders would be ten times more likely to show up in your bath, This is why spiders are perverts! Why do they only feel the need to show up in bathrooms a place were humans are most likely to be naked? Why not the kitchen where we keep the spider food? or the bedroom where a weary spider can rest its myriad legs? or indeed the home spider gym which is geared towards spider use? There are multiple places for a spider to hang out and yet we always seem to find it in the bathroom, sitting,waiting for us to wonder in drunk some night after a hard day at the office and slip of our clothes and light a few candles, perhaps pour a glass of wine and light some insence, Perverts!!

Phil Collins does not know how to ride a horse

Or at least if he does he is so far refusing to share the secret to good horse riding with me, his personal secretary has however pointed out that he is ‘Quite Busy’ in the recording studio and that despite mail being passed on to him he ‘does not have time to respond to individual correspondence’. This seems a little mean to me, how are we to know if the bum faced baldy short arse knows how to ride a horse or not? What must I do to get an answer? I thought sending a series of emails asking the question..’Dear Phil Collins, Do you know how to ride a horse?’ would illicit some sort of response! I shall just have to keep sending them, people must know

Footloose and Kenny Loggins, what does it really mean?

Footloose by Kenny Loggins is possibly the greatest rock song ever released, but what was he trying to say?

‘Been working so hard, Im punching my card’

What did Kenny Loggins mean by ‘Punching my card’? what was the card Kenny Loggins was punching? was it a card given to him by Aliens? Is Kenny Loggins in league with aliens and they have given him a card to punch as a way of ‘loggin’ the actions of the human race?

‘eight hours for what?, dont tell me what I got’

What have you got Kenny? have you got an implant in your brain which lets you communicate with the mothership? Have you been implanted by aliens and they are using your crazy rock music to control the human race?

‘Now I gotta cut loose, Footloose Kick off your Sunday shoes’

At this point Kenny Loggins is clearly kicking off his sunday shoes so that he can rise to the mothership and curse the human race to being slaves of some evil alien race!!

‘You’re playing so cool
Obeying every rule
Dig way down in your heart
You’re yearning, burning for some
Somebody to tell you
That life ain’t passing you by
I’m trying to tell you
It will if you don’t even try
You can fly if you’d only cut’

Someone needs to stop Kenny Loggins! he is an alien brain sucker and is using his 80s rock hits to destroy the earth!!

Kenny Loggins lawyers have asked me to point out that he is not ‘In league with aliens’ has at no point written songs which ‘get inside our brains and let the aliens take over the world’ and does definately not want ‘the destruction of the known world by a higher species’ as the creator of this blog I would like to remove myself from those earlier comments, Kenny Loggins and his Lawyers are nice people and I wish them well.

ps Run! Run as far as you can! Loggins and his alien fiends are coming!!!

Global Warming : The Facts!!

Global warming is a terribly bad thing, I know this because I watched a film about it, well I didnt actually watch it but I did see the trailer, on fast forward and it looked like some bad stuff was happening although its really hard to tell how upset polar bears and penguins are when they are on fast forward because they look quite funny, what is even funnier is if you rewind it and the little penguins jump backwards onto the ice, its brilliant! If penguins ever got the chance to see themselves on rewind on a DVD they would be so impressed that they would try and do it for real, this is why global warming is a bad thing:(

Another reason is that if global warming keeps happening everything that is made of ice will melt, this includes: Ice cream, Ice Cubes, Ice Sculptures, Vanilla Ice, Ice tea and of course Icebergs, we need these things to survive as a species (apart from Vanilla Ice, I just put him in because he had Ice in his name)

Also if the Icebergs all melt the water levels will rise and there will be no more beaches and the next generation of kids will be throwing beach balls at each other in the middle of the street which is not only dangerous for them but also deeply confusing.

So next time you heat up a flan or put hairspray on your cat to make it look like a goth think of the Icecaps and the polar bears and The Welsh and ask yourself this question, Who would win in a fight?